So several months ago I wrote a rather rambling introductory post, in the optimistic hope that I would add to it on a semi-regular basis. I then followed the time-honoured lead of half-hearted bloggers across the internet and failed to write anything for the next five months.

Which is sad as it probably would have helped. I've developed Depression and am just beginning a course of medication and counselling. When I was younger I'd automatically turn to writing to get feelings off my chest, resulting in many notebooks full of 'Arghh! Why can't I just fight dragons in real life; it'd be so much easier than this!' and the like. It's a habit that definitely fell off before university, and since then I've been filled with an ever-increasing doubt in words and my ability to use them. Darn you twentieth-century linguistic theory!

Words still seem problematic at the moment, but I have to make some attempt to try and explain what's going on in this head of mine. It unnerves me that Depression has made it difficult to understand what's going on in my own mind; not that I've always made sense to myself, but at least I'm at liberty to try and attempt to understand. Now it's often too cloudy and muddled to even start.

Not that I'm expecting to suddenly find the solution to everything through this, but just the act of trying to put a post together and working on it is probably a useful habit for me to form, even if the posts themselves are complete drivel. If I find some way to coherently express what I'm going through even better, but if not then no harm done.

I'm actually not stuck at home with nothing to do, it feels like there's an awful lot of stuff that I should be working on, but at the same time I haven't yet managed to work structure into my daily routine. So at the moment I can see no obvious format for how posts will work either, they could literally be about anything for a while, with the vague hope they'll take a clearer form over time. 

                               Life seems mostly on hold right now

The Essays begin

Starting off a blog is quite a bizarre experience, as you find yourself writing to a non-existent audience about a non-existent entity. If you're anything like me that encourages you to procrastinate until you finally find a free evening to discover that a blank Blogger screen really isn't that much of a hurdle. Admittedly though I'm still feeling a bit Charlotte Bronte-esque right now; 'Dear Reader, I blogged' ...

I finished my English Language and Literature BA over the summer, and have found the last four months to be some of the most confusing and unsettling times that I can remember. Literally unsettling; in that I've gone from spending half the year at university and half at my parents house to living full-time in Oxford for twelve months. But they've also been incredibly unsettling for me as an individual, as I go from the structure and identity found in university life to suddenly finding myself with no over-arching plan of what to do with myself and the worrying idea that I'm now expected to start acting like a 'Real Person'. Not necessarily unsettling in a bad way, in that it's useful to take a good look at myself and try to figure out who I am and where I'm heading, but still there's an awful lot of transition going on at the moment, and being in the middle of it isn't always pretty.

And so I turn to blogging. Despite the rather sober introduction there I'm starting this because it's just plain fun to write, and being able to engage with people along the way is even better. I'm expecting this to be rather eclectic as I muse on whatever this year decides to throw at me then chuck in some tangents on the latest novel I'm on, whether I will ever manage to convince Southeners that 'tea' is an appropriate name for the evening meal and whatever else takes my fancy.

I will probably ramble, and sometimes accidentally write like the latest author I've been reading, which happens much more often than I mean it too. I always appreciated the idea than the literal meaning of an 'essay' is an 'attempt' and on this blog I'll be both documenting my attempts to live out my new found freedom of action and attempting to find a coherent way to present those experiences. Hence I've allowed myself the indulgence of a fairly pretentious title (and the use of the word 'hence', oh dear). I'll try not to let it get too over the top though.

I hope to update at least once a week, which might actually help me in the on-going battle to keep on top of my organisation or may just result in posting at odd hours of the morning, depending on how well things are going. We shall see.

All the best, and on with the scribbling!

Bryony